


Into The Light Some Darkness

by DWImpala67



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys In Love, Break Up, Declarations Of Love, Depression, Established Relationship, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Not actual suicide, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Where this came from, author is sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-03-17
Packaged: 2019-11-21 11:05:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18141374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DWImpala67/pseuds/DWImpala67
Summary: He laid down on the bed, unconscious of doing the same, and could still feel long fingers tracing his freckles , the sweet languid kisses shared in the silent intimacy of the room. He could swear his scent still lingered in the sheets and pillows on the bed in which he lay staring blankly at the ceiling."I was just a machine Jay, before you arrived. Just Jensen.You made me Jen. You helped me seek light. But you didn't tell me how to tolerate if the light was too much or how to cope if it was too less to deal with the dark. But I'll forever be in debt that you made me realize what it is to live. Once Again."





	Into The Light Some Darkness

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic and a first J2 fic at that. Supernatural has given me so much so I felt like writing something. I don't know what prompted me to write on this story line but when I took my laptop and started writing this came up. There are suicidal thoughts and triggers but not actual suicide. So, if you are already in deep, don't read. You're warned. Author claims no ownership to the characters mentioned in the story. They are entirely their own persons. Its merely for entertainment purposes. Hope you enjoy the story. Happy Reading. Comments are welcome. No hate please.

He sat staring into the wall in front of him. Here, sitting in the room, was a reminder of everything he lost. The room seemed daunting as if reminding him of what a failure he was. The darkness in the room seemed to be engulfing him …. Eating him alive. He wanted to run as far from here as he could. But his legs refused to work. Because even if the room was haunted by his failure, it was also an embodiment of good memories. It was the same bed where he shared sweet intimacy with his love. It was the same room where the love of his life would tackle him after having heated arguments. He chuckled, remembering a particularly sweet moment , “ Jen….. you can hide all you want but seriously at least drape the curtains over your whole body. I can practically see your legs…..” He still could hear the laughter from living room and the steps on the stairs calling for “ …… Jen……” or the countless “ I love you” s shared in the afterglow of their love making. 

He laid down on the bed, unconscious of doing the same, and could still feel long fingers tracing his freckles , the sweet languid kisses shared in the silent intimacy of the room. He could swear his scent still lingered in the sheets and pillows on the bed in which he lay staring blankly at the ceiling.

A very harsh wind breaking the window glass captured his attention and brought him back to reality. He shivered at the cool breeze coming in from the window and walked up to the window peering outside. A sudden movement of a very tall shadows in the trees caught his attention but he immediately dismissed the familiarity of it. Still reeling from the flood of memories rendering him dazed he closed the window tight and drew the curtains back. He walked into the lobby leading to the staircase into living room and his eyes caught the framed picture on the staircase wall and found himself breathless. The sun was shining high and the beach winds messing his lover’s hairs as they were sticking into hundred different directions. His smile blinding, watching into the camera. His own eyes were gazing his lover with so much love and loyalty. It was a harsh knock into the reality, where he no longer had any love to share. His only solace was the darkness which he feared would take him out any second.

What had changed suddenly and so drastically for him ,that his life which was so colourful was now rendered dull? What had happened to the Jensen who had found hope again? Why is it that after all the neglect he suffered, after fighting loneliness tooth and nail, his life had come spiralling down to this emptiness? He wonders if he'll ever get out of this darkness that threatens to swallow him. He wonders if that day will come when he'll be free from all the despair. He wonders if he could…………

Suddenly it all comes crashing down and he remembers that he had finally put that darkness behind him. He had won over everything he feared and that was all because of one person…… the one person he had….. the one person he loved…..the one person he could never have again…...the one person who could never be his again…..the one person who had been his light in his battle against darkness….the one person who was his anchor in the violent sea storm that was on the verge of killing him. He was his sunshine, his guardian angel that helped him stabilize. For 5 years, his best friend was by his side, helping him settle down and make his way through all the hurdles. For five whole years, he had stood by Jensen through thick and thin. Jensen had always feared that one day it would all crumble down and he would take a massive hit. But his best friend had always promised that “...Jen… don't you worry. I'll be always here when you need me. Always and forever.” 

Yet when the time came and Jensen needed him the most, he had given up and in a night his life so full of love had been rendered loveless and hopeless. Laughing on his own apathy,he suddenly started hyperventilating, breathless. Panic attacks were now as frequent as they had been then more so now. As a result he became dizzy. He could see white spots in his vision and unconsciousness engulfed him and he came crashing down the stairs and his head hit the floor in a massive thud. He knew it was not the way he had planned on ending his life but he welcomed the blackness that surrounded him wondering if it will finally set him free from his misery. Because if he could not have him, his life was a meaningless fuck. He hoped at least in heaven he would be reunited with his family. The heartbreak would never heal but at least he would be loved and cared for.

Jensen's fight with depression started when suddenly his family was ripped off from him at the age of 14. He grew up in an environment enveloped with happiness and love and in one stroke everything had been ripped away by a plane crash. His parents and his big brother were on their way from his brothers graduation ceremony when the Ackles Corp. private jet had crashed. He being the sole heir of the vast Ackles empire had been put in his aunt's custody. It was clear to him from day one that the heartless bitch was only after his money. For the world and page 6, she was a guardian angel but behind the cameras she was a cruel and greedy. She blamed him for the loss of his parents life ….”If you had not asked them to be here in two days, they would still be here alive” she would say. Se gave him a constant reminder of how he was a failure and she had to endure all the drama till he turned 18. She even planned an attack to kill him and take all his money, which blessedly he survived. That was the night that gave him hope. That was the night that ,he ,after three years of constant loneliness, had felt alive for the first time. That was the night he met Jared. 

Jared Padalecki was a tall… tall man. At 6’4” he was intimidating and his body had been built enough to deal a blow and knock out the person in one go. He was the captain of his football team in senior high. Well muscled, broad shoulders, shaggy brown hair, hazel eyes and ruggedly handsome, everyone would swoon on him easily. He aspired to become a lawyer and was on his way to UT when he had accidentally stumbled across a beautiful green eyed boy. He was on his way back from work when he saw that two men were about to attack the faceless figure. He called 911 and rushed behind the boy and tackled the man attacking him from behind , in two punches rendering him useless. He was about to throw a punch at the other but he ran away. That's when he saw the boy for the first time. He was so mesmerized by the emeralds that he was about to miss the shock and trembling that had gripped the boy. He was about to fall when Jared ran into action and caught him just before he landed. But the guy was out like cold. He tried but the green eyes won't wake up. He was about to call for help when ambulance arrived along with security and two black cars with suits in motion. He was taken to side by the security for questioning and didn't see the guy for next 5 hours. 

He was sitting in the hospitals lobby when two Suits asked him to follow and was led to a private room where the green eyes met his and he saw gratitude in them. He thought they were more alive currently than the dread and death he had seen in them earlier. Somehow those emeralds had captured his imagination so vividly that he had almost missed the whisky smooth voice that greeted him. “Thank You!” said the voice ….so hopeful and so lively that Jared Padalecki knew his life would never be the same again. 

Jared and stuck with Jensen since that day. They became best friends within matter of days. The immediate click , the smooth talk that flowed between them was only the cursor for the lifetime of happiness that it promised. No one was surprised when they took the next step in their relationship within a year of him saving Jensen. He was so enamored by the green eyed guy that he felt they were meant to be. He helped Jensen uncovering the vile plans of his aunt. While studying law he helped him understand the legalities of taking over the company at mere age of 21. The day Jensen had taken over Ackles Corp. no one was more proud than Jared himself. The company was flourishing under his partner's able leadership. He himself had gotten a job in high profile law firm on his merits and they were living the best of both worlds. They were tight as they came and that made Jared , the ever alert, complacent and lead to destruction of everything. 

It was the rainy day when it all came crashing down. He was sitting in his office when three suits with guns entered his office trailing behind them was a short tender women - Jensen’s Aunt- Darla. Darla Ackles Smith was empress of the Smith empire. She was a long distance cousin of Jensen’s father and only relative alive when it all went down the hill. She was a greedy wealthy shark with an eye on Ackles Corp for long. Now when she had the opportunity to take down everything, she was unseated by this boy who was sitting on his chair acting normal. Hazel eyes shooting fury in her direction. She was never one to take a beat down and now she was going to show him just who called the shots. She entered the small office and said,” Well well…….we meet again. “ “ What are you doing here?” came the immediate reply. “Down boy. I have come to give you a proposal. And you are going to accept it as it is.” Jared knew something was amiss and hissed , “What if I don’t?” Darla regarded the boy in front of her, “Well then I’ll make sure, Jensen never sees tomorrow's sunrise. He’s currently at a Charity event at Sheppard Shelter and I have it on authority that he’s standing in the corner with Alona - the manager of Shepard Shelter with a glass of champagne in his hands. So, you want to try that again?”

Jared knew he was in catch twenty two. He went pale when she mentioned the exact location of Jensen and shuddered with the thought of not seeing him ever again. “What’s your proposal” fell from his mouth without his permission. “Well, seeing as you made my previous plan haywire and put up no contact order in place, I had to do it the other way around. You humiliated me boy. And Darla is never humiliated. That’s why here’s what you’re gonna do. You’re gonna leave Jensen tonight. Tell him that you’re bored of him and his routine and no more in love with him. You’re going to break up with him. Then my nephew, Misha, who is already in love with Jensen, is going to swoon in and handle Jensen and marry him. Thereby becoming the spouse and owning the Ackles Corp. Then, he’ll convince him to merge Ackles and Smith and I’ll become the ultimate owner of Ackles Corp. which should have been done years ago if you piece of shit had not dared to poke your nose into my business.!” Darla ended exclaiming , “And if you somehow manage to do to exact opposite, it would be Jensen’s body that’ll greet you this evening at your door instead of the man himself. Do you understand?”. The plan was foolproof. Jared knew he had been checkmated. For so many years he had saved Jensen from this vicious bitch only to lose so badly. He knew he had to accept it. He had to accept it all for Jensen’s sake. He had to and so he did.He walked out to the loft he and Jensen shared. He reached two hours before Jensen was due and started packing his bags. He was almost done and sitting on the couch waiting for Jensen to return so he could break his heart. He had thought over everything he would say to Jensen knowing it would destroy the man. But it was all worth saving the life of the man he loved more than his own life. 

When Jensen entered the home, he was in good mood, wanting to share his long day with his love. He had planned a two week vacation for him and Jared. It had been a hectic few months and he wanted to relax in the long muscled arms. But as he took in the view of Jared all packed up ,sitting on the couch staring blank into the T.V he started panicking. “Jay…..???” His voice trembled. This was not happening. This was his worst nightmare coming alive. He could cut his heart out and give it to the man in front if that’s what it would take for him to stay. He’d do anything….Anything. When Jared raised his hand motioning for Jensen to stop , only then did he knew that he had spoken it out loud. “It's not working Jen. I am done. I won’t do this anymore. It's all too much for me never knowing when you’ll be depressed and when you’ll be happy. I cannot for another second tolerate your whiny panic attacks. I am done for good this time.” Jared knew he was stomping on Jensen’s heart, but if it meant keeping him alive, he’d do it. Saying this he walked out of the loft never throwing a glance back at Jensen. 

Shock was an understatement. Jensen was devastated. He knew that his problem with depression was bothering Jared but he had never seen him so heartless. He had never seen Jared being bitchy. Infact Jared was always soft with him whenever the darkness seemed to creep back. With his help, Jensen would always fight back but this…...this was beyond anything. He for first time in many years wondered if now would be a good time to give up. Three days of numbness, and Misha stormed in to help him resettle. He told him he cannot leave such a vast empire behind him. He cannot leave his father’s dream unfulfilled. And Jensen went with the routine. But the loft was haunting him. Reminding him that he couldn't keep one person he loved the most happy. He could not fulfill Jared desire. He failed Jared. He was always failing the people he loved. 

Six months in he decided to move into Ackles estate and sell the loft. It took another three months but he never entered the loft and continued with his life. He was like a robot, following every order his assistant or his HR gave him. Misha was always there but he kept snapping whenever it was too much. He was no Jared. Two days before the loft was to be sold off, Misha made a move on Jensen and kissed him when they were waiting for the car outside the office building. It felt wrong and Jensen pushed him aside. He heard Misha saying that he loved him and wanted to spend rest of his life with Jensen., but he was only listening. Inside he was numb. There were no emotions, no feelings. It was all dark. He felt nudging by his shoulder and told Misha to give im sometime. When he entered his childhood home, he started sobbing. He didn’t knew why he was crying or why suddenly he felt the need to vent his frustration out but he couldn't live another second, knowing he had lost his life, the day Jared walked out on him. A plan formed in his mind, he decided, he would visit the loft one last time and drive away into oblivion till darkness surrounded him. He wrote a letter for Jared and next morning went to the loft with a soothing that at least for the last time before his death, he would be surrounded by happy memories. Memories where he was happy. Where he made someone happy. He drove off to the loft never knowing that the loft would itself be the end of him. 

 

Jared knew Jensen was trying to sell the loft they shared. He was hurt when he first heard about it. But he also knew why. He supposed that the place reminded Jensen too much of them and he had no right to stop him or even venturing near Jensen. After what he had done, Jared was sure that Jensen won't allow even his shadow to fall anywhere near him. For one last time, he thought, he would rather catch a glimpse of what it felt like loved, of what it felt like meant to be. Without thinking he grabbed his coat and ran out of his house which was mere 5 block away from the loft they shared to see if he could maybe have a look at what happiness felt like a year ago. He still had the key to the loft so he ran as fast as he could towards the building.

When Jared entered the building he was not hoping to see anything like what was in front of him. He didn't know what he hoped for but it was definitely not an ambulance and too many suits surrounding the building helping the paramedics take away a guy on stretcher. Jared didn't need anyone to tell him that it was Jensen because the moment he saw so many suits, he knew something was wrong with Jensen because  
Jensen didn't live here  
The cars and Suits were familiar  
No one high end other than Jensen Ackles lived in building.  
That's why he wasn't surprised when he found himself out of nowhere in the car following the ambulance which had Jensen in the sack.

Jeffrey Dean Morgan was the head of security for Ackles for most of his life. He had seen the Ackles go through worst and had practically raised Jensen as his own. He could never help Jensen with his aunt and he swore he would never be able to forgive himself for that as the shy and quite Jensen had sought a fatherly refuge in him and yet he had failed to notice the way Jensen had suffered mental abuse from the bitch. But he would be damned if he didn't help the boys realize that together is what happiness is. While he never had seen Jensen as happy as he was with Jared, he had a suspicion that Jensen was spiralling down and partly the reason was Jared. But he was sure that whatever went down a year ago, it wasn't Jared's complete fault. So, when he heard that Jensen had made the deal to sell the loft that held a lifetime of memories for him and had requested to visit for one last time, he wasn't surprised with the outcome. He was just about to enter the loft when he heard crashing and rushed to Jensen's side. After what seemed like an hour, the ambulance arrived and was about to tear them into half for the delay, he sure as hell was surprised to hear the voice that always made Jensen's eyes lit up. As he saw Jared approaching, without thinking he grabbed the younger man's arm and pulled him into the car following the ambulance. To say the guy was a mess was beyond words.

Two hours later, Jared found himself sitting into a private hospital room. Jensen on the bed with his head wrapped up in a bandage looked so pale and lifeless to him that the mere sight made him sob profusely. He took Jensen's hand and entwined it with his fingers and kissed his knuckles, “ We've got to stop meeting like this Jen. The doctor said that blood loss was immense and you're gonna have to take it easy for a next few weeks. But good thing is no complications so……”, Jared said as he was trying to hold back his son but gave up, ‘’ I a--am so sorry, so s-s-sorry Jensen. I thought you would be happy without me. When Misha told me that he would keep you happy,I thought you'd go for it. After all who wants to be stuck with a clumsy guy, with busy schedule, just out of law school, with ordinary background and nothing but puppy love to offer. I thought….. I thought…. Oh God….. I had no idea you were suffering so bad. I didn't know you were hit so bad that you were planning on leaving forever tonight.” He leaned forward and kissed Jensen’s forehead tenderly. “I found your letter Jen, in your jacket pocket and believe me…... believe me that when you wake up I'm gonna kick your ass to Sunday. I-I…. I lo… love…. I Love you! Please baby, forgive me for my stupidity. I promise I'll be better and I'll be here always and forever. I am not going anywhere and nor am I letting you go. Wake up baby…. Open your gorgeous eyes for me. I- I ... I'm so sorry, so so sorry, baby! Please just please…” He dropped his head on his hands and cried his heart out seeking forgiveness for all that his stupidity had forced him to do.

“Why are you dead?” 

Jared turned his head so fast, he thought he could have snapped his neck. “ I am not dead, Jensen. And nor are you. Oh God, it's so good to hear your voice.” He said with a watery smile.

“No, no no no no no no…. I am supposed to be dead. I am supposed to…..to…. be with Mom and Dad and Josh. And you are supposed to be alive. Oh God, my head is killing me. …….” 

“Jen….hey, Jensen, you're fine you are alive”, he said as he put Jensen's hand on his chest so that the man could feel his heartbeat. “ Jen, I'm so sorry, I didn't know that Misha told you I didn't love you anymore. I knew the man had always hated me but…. I thought he was in love with you and I hoped that you could too in time forget me. Marrying Misha would definitely have brought weight to Ankles Corp. Your aunt…… she came into my office that morning saying that if I didn't allow the merger of Smith Pvt. Ltd. with your company, she would kill you. She said that although she was restrained from making any contact with you or Ackles Empire she had strong business ties withMisha Collins and no one could stop her from …….. I am sorry. I should have come to you. I should have told you. But your aunt said that Misha was in love with you and I….. I was….am a trash Jen. I am nothing more than a lawyer. I have nothing to offer you Jen. Please forgive me. I won't leave you again until I know you're okay. “ 

Jensen didn't know from where the sudden verbal diarrhea come from but he wasn't able to stop it though. When he woke up disoriented with massive headache the first thing he thought was he had made a safe trip to heaven. But seeing Jared bawling his eyes out threw him out of loop. But now, as he sat listening to Jared - the man he loved more than life itself- he thought he was getting answers to all his questions unasked. “ Jay….” 

“No Jen, you listen to me. I have only caused so much distress to you. I have nothing to offer but misery. I thought I made you happy….. and reading your letter….. I know I was wrong in assuming but please baby, believe me I didn't know what to do apart from leave you at the time. If I didn't leave you were gonna die…...I couldn't….. can't….. can't...I just cannot... Jensen. I love you too much to let you go. I am sorry. If you.. if you had somehow managed to drop through the roof, I would have followed you, Jen. I swear, I'll follow you and haunt your ass in heaven if you try to pull that stunt on me again. I…..” 

He finally crumpled under the pressure and started crying hysterically. When Jeffrey had brought him Jensen's belongings and an envelope in his jacket, Jared wasted no time reading it. What he read shocked him to the core.

“ Jay..

I know you hate me. But please remember, that I love you with all my heart. You saved me when I was watching my end with my eyes wide open play in front of me. You kept me anchored. You stuck by me through everything. I couldn't ask for more.

You gave me life when I needed the most. You infused light into the darkness that was creeping in. You were my sunshine, my guardian angel, looking out for me when I needed the most. There aren't words to thank you enough!

But in doing so, you never taught me how to live without you. You brought life but you never realized you were my life. I don't know what made you leave me finally but I have known since beginning that you'll realize one day I am not worth the shit you put up with. This darkness is hard to fight. I know I can never keep people alive around me. They die quickly either physically or emotionally or both. I know I am responsible for making you feel bad. So, just to let you know, I never intended to do that. I just wanted to feel loved again. To feel happy again. To just feel again. I have been dead too long. Thank you for helping me feel though. It made me understand the profanity of feelings. 

I was just a machine Jay, before you arrived. Just Jensen.You made me Jen. You helped me seek light. But you didn't tell me how to tolerate if the light was too much or how to cope if it was too less to deal with the dark. But I'll forever be in debt that you made me realize what it is to live. Once Again.

Thank you Jay! I don't know what made you stop loving me but I don't blame you. Hell, if I were you, I would have left too soon. You're beautiful soul Jay. Just remain as you are.

Yours , Always and Forever,  
Only yours,  
Jensen

P.S: Take care of my cars Jay. I'll haunt you if you don't. Goodbye.”

Jensen didn't know what to make of everything he just heard, so he did the only thing he could. He brought their hands together and watched between their twined hands and hazel eyes and after third glance in those ever changing eyes, he reached out to cup Jared's face again. He knew he was forgiving too soon, but the man before him had saved him once again. He kissed those pink full lips which first tasted salty and then unique that was all Jared. He put everything into the kiss that he couldn't into words. After all he was a man of few words. And Jared did his best to respond. It was perfect, like homecoming. Like love. Oh so much like love. After kissing for like eternity they both came up for air, panting, foreheads pressed together. When their eyes met, there was nothing needed to be said. It was all “ I am sorry” “It's okay” “I love you” “You're forgiven” “Always and Forever” “I love you too, into eternity” 

“Jay, you have everything to offer, You’re my life. Without you, I don’t know how to live. So stop saying you’re a mere lawyer, You’re not. You’re my eternity.” He entangled their fingers again brought them to his heart, to feel that it was not a dream. Hat it was all real. Jared understood and leaned in press a kiss to his forehead.

“How about next time if someone so much as approach you with my name, stop using the over thinking brain of yours and please come to me. It would save us a heartbreak, huh?!” Jensen asked softly.  
And Jared laughed, capturing those sinful lips again promising to love and to be loved again. They knew they had a rocky road ahead of them. But with patience and understanding and Jared, Jensen knew he’d fight it all. With Jared by his, he’d conquer the world.

**Author's Note:**

> So, that's it. I hope you enjoyed! English is not my first language so sorry for all the mistakes. Also, I have no beta so.....  
> Anyway,until next time! Please don't post anywhere without permission though. With permission you're welcome to d so. Thank you!


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